Someone recently approached me in a state of confusion as the result of 'accidentally' running into her ex. Although he is a very nice guy, they had nothing in common-that's why they broke up, they really didn't share the same values. She was on a search for deeper meaning in life while he really couldn't care less about 'meaning'. Actually, he was happy to turn his head off and live the routine grind he had become accustomed to living. It was clear to both of them that there was no future; the break-up wasn't even all that emotional.
Two years passed since their break-up. She was happily traveling down a path of deep self discovery and spiritual awareness. He was still happy in his routine...breakfast, work, TV, checkbook etc. And then...the magical moment...they bumped into each other (almost literally) and he said, "Great to see you, I'm still in love with you". Since she was feeling a bit lonely at the time, it felt good to hear those words, so she thought, "Well, I guess I'm still in love with him as well". They spent many hours talking that day...and the next day...and the day after that. When she contacted me, she was very confused. Upon hearing the fact that they had spent so much time talking, my first question was, "Wow, he must have embarked on a spiritual path or something like that, in order for you to spend that much time talking." She answered me, "Uhh, actually, no, we didn't speak about spirituality or meaning." Now I was confused and said, "But you recently told me that your spiritual awareness and goals are the most important things in your life, strange that it never came up." She clarified by stating, "He didn't want to talk about spirituality...he said, let's not talk about something that divides us." She admitted feeling very frustrated and unexpressed during their interaction, yet it felt good to see that he was still in love with her. My response was, "If spirituality is the most important part of your life and you can't even talk about it with him, he's not relating to the most important part of you. If so, who exactly is he in love with?" She said, "You're right. He's in love with who he wants me to be."
Infatuation is a tricky thing. Here are two intelligent people who know that they don't have a future, due to their values clash. That's why they broke up in the first place. Yes, they have chemistry, but chemistry diminishes with time, especially when there's a values clash. As I clarify in my book,"I only want to get married once" studies show that infatuation can last up to about three years, and then dwindles. At this point, values take center stage. That's what happened two years earlier in this couple's relationship, and that's why they split up. Now, two years later, in order to enjoy each other's 'chemistry', they have to shut down certain essential parts of themselves. They can't allow themselves to be 'known', for that would threaten the chemistry. One of the most important components of love is 'being known and knowing the other person'. That's how we know whether there is real love potential in a relationship: our deepest values and beliefs are expressed and appreciated and for the most part, shared.
Back to our story. When this young woman thought about the question, "Who is he in love with, it shook her into reality. She realized that the best thing for both of them would be to face the reality of their clashing values/goals. It was difficult for her to phone him and confront the issue, and it was difficult for her to give up that 'good feeling' of 'having someone be in love with her". But at the end of the day, the feelings were false and misleading. When she was brave enough to let go of that 'false love', she realized that accompanying that false 'good feeling' was an insecurity, a frustration and a loss of her true self. When she let go of that false love, she gained herself back. And in the end, her ex-boyfriend thanked her for saving both of them from another round of a confusing and unfulfilling relationship.
Dating can be a very complex and confusing experience. It is so easy to be fooled...and to fool ourselves. I cannot overemphasize how important it is to clarify your values, to live by them and to 'date by them'! I think that we just coined a new phrase but I mean it: 'date by your values'! They will not limit you; on the contrary, they will be the guiding lights to illuminate your way through the confusion inherent in the dating process.
Written by: Chana Levitan
Chana Levitan is a renowned educator, author, lecturer, and relationship coach. Through her extensive professional experience over the past 22 years, she has counseled literally thousands of women and men. Chana resides in Jerusalem with her husband and children. Her driving passion is to give people the tools they need to trust themselves and their abilities to create a successful marriage...the first time around.
Visit http://www.chanalevitan.com for more info.
